[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Lmao
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’m awake but I object,
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.