I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
TRAIN’S HERE
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT