I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Fat chances are my favorite chances