ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.