take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.