Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
🐕🍷
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
This January has 47 Mondays
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead