I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.