Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.