When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Monday
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.