I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
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superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.