Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?