[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
X-tra spooky blend
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.