I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!