Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
You Might Also Like
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.