After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date