I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
You Might Also Like
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?