Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Every work call, he judges.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90