i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Mountain Goat : )
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Finally a use for spoilers…