He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!