I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways