You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.