I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.