Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My wife gives the best headache.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this