Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Actually cracking up @ this
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.