The French cow says MEUX…
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i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A Short Story.
“No way.” -Jose
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it