Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
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[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does