hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.