Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
what the
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”