Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me