Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.