If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Pringles
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy