Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Beware of the dog..
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.