Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Nice try, poison.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door