So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.