I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch