Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
You Might Also Like
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that