Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]