I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Can Happiness buy money?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.