[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Is this you?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.