My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant