Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!