Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
remember
only for emergencies
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!