Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.