I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”