Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
this isn’t threatening at all
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue