-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.