oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
You Might Also Like
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.