Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.