[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
HERE’S MARKY
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
This is the one
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Teach your children to beatbox
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My dad.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.