Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Oh thanks BBC.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
getting old is fun